Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
