U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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