After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
