he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
