the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
