I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
