drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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