everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
