the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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