Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
