ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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