He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
