So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
