you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
