How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
