nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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