Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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