I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
