I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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