Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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