I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
