It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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