I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
