WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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