You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He felt like a one man threesome
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
