made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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