I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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