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The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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