My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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