My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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