life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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