so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
