Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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