apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
