My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
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So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
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where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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