I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.