i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.