he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
