Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.