I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children