i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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