Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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