Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
