when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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