Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
do herpes really smell.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
