here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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