Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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