I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
