do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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