Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
