I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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