I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
