god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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