She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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