HIV tests are more positive than that guy
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
