Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
