people are starting to question the shark bite story
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
