the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
