I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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