so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
